Alot to Think About

It's strange/interesting/scary/overwhelming/sometimes sad how much one can change when they move away from their family, friends, familiar, safe, comfortable life. Opinions that I had, ways that I felt about things and ideas and actions before I moved away to school have all been changed. Some of this has been for the better. But some of it has not. The 16 year old version of Laura would not approve of some of the actions the 19 year old Laura has chosen to make.
Why have I changed? Why have my values been distorted, twisted, and not followed?
I could make excuses, as I have done. Well, no one that I'm around feels that doing this is wrong, and so that makes it difficult for me to keep my values. Eventually I don't see problems with these things anymore either. But what's the point of excuses? When one day I am standing before God on my Judgement day trying to explain why I chose to make those decisions how is that excuse any good? Or any excuse for that matter?
I have been thinking alot about who I was before I came here. When I was first at school I was so excited that I could be whomever I wanted to be. I could make my own decisions, be strong in my faith, because that's who people knew me as.
Now I find myself molding more and more to the "Norm". I have been a hypocrite and poor example of what God's daughter is supposed to be. Why?
What happened to the strong Christian who a year ago whole-heartedly committed her life to live for God, whatever that would entail? To the person who was baptized as a proclamation of her faith to her friends and family around her. To show that she was commited to living her life in God's will? Who felt God was with her?
Why have I shunned that feeling? Pushed God into a back corner where I pray rarely, and only when I need something from Him. Have a hard time admitting to God when I have done something wrong, because that would be acknowledging that it really is wrong and shouldn't be repeated?
I know that I am capable of better, of putting God in such a higher place than I am allowing Him to be right now. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, I disappoint myself.
I am slowly slipping.
Once the hole has been created it's so much more difficult to climb out, to choose to do the right thing than it was if I had made better decisions in the first place.
Lord, I don't want to keep pushing you away. I want to climb back up to you. I know that I need you. Help me to be strong, because I now know that I sure can't do this myself.